The Time with Grandparents poll was conducted during October and November 2008.
We asked grandparents how they kept in touch with their grandchildren, how much time they spent together, and how they managed this time so that they also had time free for their own interests, activities and friendships.
There were two versions of this poll, one intended for grandparents, and one intended for parents. This report relates to the grandparents’ version – the report on the parents’ version can be found here.
Couch members told us how they believe their cultural beliefs influence their grandparenting role, outlined the frequency and extent of care provided for their grandchildren, and described the different forms of compensation provided by families to acknowledge this care. Couch members also described lifestyle changes made in order to spend more time with their grandchildren (including reducing paid work hours and relocating).
The poll confirmed that there are significant differences and varieties in grandparent/grandchild relationships due to factors such as grandparents’ genders, ages and ethnicities, cultural influences, health, energy levels, where family members live (close by, or far away), and separation and re-partnering of parents as well as grandparents, paid work commitments, and relationships within families.
A total of 208 Couch members completed this poll. Of the respondents, 25% were male and 75% female. The average age of the respondents was 58, with younger as well as older grandparents represented.
Thirteen (6%) respondents identified as Māori, 171 (82%) as New Zealand European, 9 (4%) respondents identified with multiple ethnicities, one as Samoan, and 14 (7%) as “other”. Twenty-three percent of the respondents were living in a rural area and seventy-seven percent in an urban area. On average there were 3 people living within one household, with the range going from one occupant to 11 occupants in one house. The number of grandchildren ranged from one to more than fifteen; a small number of respondents were also great-grandparents.
This poll was just for grandparents.
More than half of all respondents (57%) had more than 4 grandchildren.
Most respondents (84%) had at least one grandchild under five years old.
Few respondents were new grandparents – only 4% had an oldest grandchild less than 12 months old.
Most respondents (95%) were not great-grandparents.
Fewer than a quarter of respondents (23%) saw their grandchildren daily, but more than half saw them at least weekly.
The most common reason for having more contact with a particular set of grandchildren was proximity – that they lived nearby.
More than half of respondents (55%) reported either not planning or not having the opportunity to plan how much time they spent with their grandchildren.
Just 5% of respondents had no contact at all with some of their grandchildren.
Again, proximity was identified as an issue – if some grandchildren were seen less than others, it was probably (58%) due to them not living close by.
Grandparents reported being involved in a huge range of activities with their grandchildren. The most frequently mentioned activities were playing sports and games, reading to their grandchildren, talking, and cooking meals for each other.
Q12: Grandparents play many different roles in their grandchildren’s lives. How do your cultural beliefs influence your grandparenting role?
Some Couch members stated that their cultural beliefs influence their grandparenting roles via the religious and/or philosophical beliefs they practice together as a family.
“As we all have cultural beliefs through ethnicity or religion or upbringing of course they affect everything I do with them.”
“Cultural and spiritual beliefs are interlinked and are outworked naturally in daily living.”
“This is a huge part of my role in helping to bring up my grandchildren – I am referring to my religion, which is my culture.”
“We go to church and this affects my grandparenting. I grew up with a high value on family and family get-togethers and so we visit when birthdays are celebrated. Caring [and] loving each other is role-modeled and supported. Playcentre is highly valued in our family and I role model and support [their philosophies] like positive discipline, no smacking, you can do it attitude, respecting the earth and respecting other peoples, especially the Māori culture.”
Other respondents indicated that they feel it is very important for their grandchildren to know what their cultural background is, to know and to understand their “roots”:
“We share family history with the grandchildren – they should know where they come from – we are alive so we tell them about our history – given to us from our parents and grandparents.”
“It is important that they know who they are and where they come from.”
“[I] see myself as a role model, show her where she came from, and help her understand her family and her history.”
Couch members also pointed out that in accordance with their own cultural beliefs, they support their own (adult) children in any way possible in the raising and upbringing of their grandchildren.
“Their parents are struggling with their own lives, moving around a lot and not living together so we provide the grandchildren with some stability and a place to relax away from the stresses of their home life.”
“I believe that parents need all the support they can get, especially from their own parents wherever possible. I got very little support from my parents when I was a mother, and so I want to be much more available to support my children and give them a break from their kids, as well as giving me the chance to develop a close relationship with my grandchildren.”
Specific cultural practices and beliefs were described by some Couch members to indicate how their culture influences and affects their relationships with their grandchildren.
“My main input culturally has been to encourage education. I also encourage knowledge of the extended family.”
“Cultural beliefs are very important in my grandchildren’s lives and I ensure that they learn as much as possible, waiata, korero, karakia, tikanga, kawa, purakau etc.”
“My cultural beliefs play a very big role in my life and that of my children and grandchildren. I like to teach my children and mokos to appreciate the simple things in life and how to live off the land, nurture and respect the land.”
“Having a deaf blind person in our family it is important that our grandchildren grow up understanding Deaf Culture and be fluent NZ sign language users. They also need to be taught to be confident in who they are and what they believe, while respecting all people and their differences.”
“Whanau is everything to me. I have a cultural and moral responsibility to be involved in my mokos’ lives.”
“Probably being bought up by an English father the classics, reading, manners and education are important.”
On the other hand, some Couch members felt that their cultural beliefs and practices do not affect or influence their grandparenting roles, and believe that other more important family values take precedence.
“I do not have any cultural beliefs. I react with my grandchild in the same way that I reacted with my children.”
“I don’t think this makes any difference in my grandparenting role. I love the children and that is what matters.”
9% of respondents reported providing their grandchildren with full-time care.
Well over half (58%) of respondents had not had a discussion with their children about care of their grandchildren.
Most (75%) respondents were not compensated for caring for their grandchildren.
Q16: If you answered yes to the previous question, what form does this compensation take?
Couch members who answered this question specified several ways in which they are compensated for caring for their grandchildren. Financial assistance, either from their families or from a government or other agency, was mentioned.
“Contribution towards bills.”
“Benefit for one child.”
“A child care subsidy via Linmark educational services.”
“[Unsupported Child’s Benefit] through WINZ”
“My husband and I are paid by ACC for 19 hours a day of care for our disabled grandson.”
“My daughter helps me with household bills.”
Compensation in the form of meals or contributions towards travel costs were also mentioned by some Couch members:
“We always stay for dinner on the day I meet the children from school, plus [receive] other invitations to meals”
“Sharing meals with my family, being taken out to dinner, lunch and breakfast.”
“Monthly payment to cover travel costs.”
“Usually the Wellington family shouts my airfare if I’m going to have the kids on my own for a period of time – otherwise I’m happy to pay my own way.”
“I used to receive help in costs for running my car to take [grandchildren] to school and activities when I cared for them daily.”
“Petrol vouchers.”
Love and affection were other forms of “compensation” described: .
“A thank you and lots of love and affection, I would not want anything more for the privilege of sharing the grandchildren’s lives.”
“Lots of love and fun and entertainment from the grandchildren.”
“Love and quality time spent with my mokos.”
A number of Couch members stated that they don’t feel it is necessary for their family members to compensate them for looking after and caring for their grandchildren, as it is a family’s responsibility to do so.
“I do not believe in taking money for looking after my own whānau.”
“No need for this, we can afford to look after them”
“I wouldn’t have called it compensation, it’s more like a general contribution to shared expenses.“
Most commonly, the grandchildren’s parents were having time out or taking a break while grandparents were providing care.
Once again, distance was identified as the single biggest limiter of the amount of time grandparents could spend with grandchildren.
Just 4% of respondents reported spending too much time with their grandchildren.
34% of grandparents had not made any lifestyle changes in order to spend more time with their grandchildren.
Q21: If you have made changes in order to spend more time with your grandchildren, how have these changes affected you?
For those grandparents who have made lifestyle changes in order to spend more time with their grandchildren, one of the most common ways in which those changes have affected Couch members is a decline in their income, due to less time in paid employment.
“Some financial restraints. I did contract work to fit in with the children’s schedule rather than full time work.”
“Less time spent at work.”
“I lose a day’s pay, but am happy to do so in order to see them.”
Several Couch members also indicated that the changes they have made to spend more time with their grandchildren have affected the amount of time they get to spend on themselves and their own interests.
“Our life is on hold, as our grandson’s needs come first.”
“I really miss doing my crafts and helping at the Salvation Army store. I am not as free to join in with activities and functions.”
“Less time for myself and my hobbies.”
Increased financial pressure due to an increase in expenses is another way that Couch members have been affected by the changes they have made to spend more time with their grandchildren.
“More financial pressure.”
“Some financial restraints.“
“I have less money.”
Some Couch members indicated that they have had a decline in their physical and emotional health due to the changes they have made to spend more time with their grandchildren.
_“Health has deteriorated; likewise our living standard and our finances are depleted.”
“My physical and emotional health suffered, as did my relationship with my husband and with the children’s parents.”
A number of respondents told us that they had relocated to spend more time with their grandchildren; for some grandparents this had negatively affected their own social lives:
“[I] have less contact with some of my friends due to moving cities to be closer to some of my grandchildren.”
“The major thing is that we had to move house.”
“I moved from up from the Waikato and have not made a lot of new friends yet.”
A number of Couch members who have made changes to spend more time with their grandchildren stated that these changes have affected them in a positive way as they are in a position to help out their families when needed.
“Small adjustments I have made have been more than fully compensated by the joy I receive from having my grandchildren with me.”
“Change has affected my grandchildren and me in a very positive way.”
“The pleasure I get from my grandchild more than compensates.”
“Been very positive – have got to know the two younger boys much better.”
A few members indicated that the changes they have made to spend more time with their grandchildren have not affected them greatly, as the changes were only temporary.
“[It] had no effect on me as I made the decision and it is a pleasure to be doing [it].
“They haven’t. Changes are only temporary and for a short period.”
Q22: Have there been any changes in your family (such as separation, remarriage or re-partnering) within the past five years that have affected the amount of time that you can spend with your grandchildren? If so, please describe these changes and how they have affected you.
Three main types of changes had taken place affecting the amount of time grandparents can spend with their grandchildren. These were family separation/break-ups; issues with new partners/stepfamily members; and family members relocating to other areas, sometimes overseas.
“I now live with my partner and my kids don’t like her.”
“Broken partnership.”
“They have all moved further away.”
“My daughter separated from her partner with a great deal of animosity which led us to have her and our grandson move into our home.”
“My daughter moved to [Australia] with her then four children and has since had two more – we have not been able to go over yet.”
“My husband and I separated due to the stress of raising my granddaughter. After counselling we are now back together and support each other. We have also had to find a bigger and a more child friendly house. We now have to make a date just to have time for just my husband and I.”
Most (51%) grandparents reported striking the right balance between time spent with their grandchildren, and time spent on their own activities.
Q24: Is there anything that you would like to improve or change about your current arrangements for spending time with your grandchildren? If so, what?
Couch members identified several aspects that they would like to improve or change regarding their current arrangement for spending time with their grandchildren. One of the areas for possible improvement and/or change is a desire to spend less time in paid employment, in order to spend more time with their grandchildren.
“If I didn’t have to work so many hours.”
“Less work commitments.”
“I would like to work 4 days a week instead of 5 as this would give me a better balance and opportunity to see them more frequently.”
Another area for potential improvement is a change in living situations:
“We are currently looking for a property that we can share together – separate living quarters but on the same property – even within the same building. We recognise that this is a win-win situation for both families and especially for the grandchild.”
“I would love them and their parents to live closer to us. We are not in a position to move south with them and have other children still living where we do.”
“I would like to live closer so they could pop in after school.”
“I would like to live in Australia close to them.”
A number of respondents indicated that they would like to change the amount of time they spend with their grandchildren; some Couch members felt the need to spend more time with their grandchildren, whilst other Couch members indicated that they need more time to themselves, apart from their grandchildren.
“I am working towards more grandchildren time.”
“I would like my daughter and grandson to live alone but [this is] impossible because of my daughter’s disability.”
“I would like to limit the time I spend with all the 5 grandchildren together as my energy levels are not what they used to be.”
Improving health issues and increasing energy levels are other areas identified for possible change and improvement.
“Because of illness, my time with them has been reduced, hopefully now as I recuperate from a major operation this will improve.”
“Would like respite care on a fairly regular basis to get the rest that I require.”
Some Couch members disclosed that family relationships were something they would like to change or improve.
“I would like my daughter-in-law to be more open to my relationship with their children.”
“Having a better relationship with my children so that I can have a better relationship with my grandchildren.”
“Our daughter is separated and we wish her husband would take more responsibility to take some of the load off her.”
“Have one parent be agreeable to allow visitations.”
For some Couch members, their financial situation was a barrier to spending time with, or supporting, their grandchildren.
“I could do with some money to help with clothes and activities and school fees.”
“[I would like] more financial ability to travel to see her.”
Q25: What sort of advice, information or support do you need as a grandparent? (For example, from the children’s parents, your partner, your employer, your community, from government.)
In terms of advice, information and support needed by grandparents the following key themes emerged:
“Show our mokos how we did certain things without the use of technology, and in return our mokos can show us how it’s done today (or with technology). From that lesson, we look at and share with mokos, the responsibilities we each have in ensuring we are doing our best to help those in need (really in need), treat mother nature with respect and nurturing, and learning to appreciate what we have, and passing that knowledge on”.
b) A need for information about how early childhood centres and schools operate, and what grandchildren are learning.
“Time to be able to visit the kindergarten to see how they operate now and what my grandchildren learn there.”
“When they reach school age, some literature on school curriculum”.
c) Requests for flexibility from employers in terms of leave.
“I would like to see more flexible family time so I can spend time with the grandchildren during their holidays. However I do not want to use my holiday time as I need time to plan and claim my space and restore my energy levels and not be in a position of always having to compromise. I do want to feel resentful on taking time off to spend with the kids. I love them but as I get older I need to have my space for renewal as well”
d) The desire to be computer literate. Many grandparents commented on the importance of being able to use a computer, for example for email or Skype conversations. (Skype is software that allows users to make telephone calls over the internet using headphones plugged into the computer). Developing these skills makes it easier to maintain contact with family members not living nearby.
“Skills I have acquired include: computer, email, texting and skyping as a means of keeping in touch with my extended and far flung family”.
e) Support to manage retirement savings, and balance paid work and family responsibilities, particularly for grandparents on low incomes.
“I need to work to restore my retirement savings that were severely depleted when my husband was put out of work for well over 12 months and we lived on our savings.”
“We will be working through until we are in our late 60s. When my mother was 56 she gave up work (could manage on one wage) and was there for the grandchildren. We can’t afford to do this. We would also like to be able help out the kids financially”.
f) Concerns about the pressures on women to return to the paid workforce, particularly following the birth of a child. Some respondents commented that there needs to be more done to assist women with their roles as mothers, grandmothers and carers, and increased awareness of the need for longer parental leave.
“The inability to live on one wage has dramatically changed the options that women have once they have a child. I think there should be 12 months paid parental leave, and it should be much greater than the $400+ per week that it is now.”
g) The cost of travel was frequently mentioned as a barrier for grandparents, particularly those with family living elsewhere in New Zealand (or overseas).
[Note: the SuperGold Card now allows holders access to a wide range of discounts and facilitates easy access to government and local council services, entitlements and concessions, including free off-peak travel on many bus services, for example. For further information, see www.supergold.govt.nz ]
Other suggestions and requests included:
“My son is divorced from his first wife and remarried. I sometimes need help to know how to relate to my ex-daughter-in-law, her parents etc. The complexities of blended families are a mine field for grandparents”.
b) Legal advice, especially for grandparents raising grandchildren.
“We are ok but I have friends bringing up grandchildren who could have done with legal advice.”
There were grandparents who were happy overall, but nevertheless identified time pressures as an issue.
“We have all the time in the world and need to time manage.”
Q26: How and where do you think this advice, information or support should be made available to grandparents who would like to receive it?
Grandparents made numerous suggestions about where relevant information for grandparents could be provided, including existing websites (such as the Families Commission and Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust websites), marae, Plunket, doctors’ surgeries, community centres, libraries, churches, Citizens Advice Bureaux, SeniorNet, Age Concern, schools and early childhood services (e.g. Porse, Linmark).
The following quotes show some of the suggestions offered:
“As local as possible, perhaps through polytechs, schools, suitable voluntary organisations.”
“Pamphlets because not everybody has a computer, articles in newspapers – local and national, inserts in papers, pamphlets at libraries not only at govt depts – not everybody has a street letterbox – we don’t”.
“I think it would be great to share this information with parents at schools, Kohanga Reo and childcare centres. My son’s school has a ‘Grandparents Day’ once per year, which I’d like to see increased. It gives the grandparents a real sense of belonging and being a part of their grandchild’s life. Some grandparents speak about how much they missed of their own child’s school life because of work commitments or working out of town etc. Make it a forum where this information and support can be shared in this environment. The grandchildren feel very proud when their grandparents come to their school for something really special that only a grandparent can receive”.
“Recently when in Melbourne it was Grandparents’ Day and this was celebrated. I think this is something that should be done in NZ”
“I have a great resource in my church community if and when I need it”
In New Zealand, there is tremendous diversity in grandparents’ ages, with some becoming grandparents in their thirties or forties. Thus, as well as providing information and support through agencies and resources targeted at older people (e.g. Age Concern or Senior Net), avenues for providing information to younger grandparents must continue to be identified.
Q27: Is there anything else you’d like to like to tell us about being a grandparent in New Zealand today?
A number of grandparents provided additional comments, some of which included describing the joy they find in their grandparenting roles. On the other hand, some described the challenges (particularly financial challenges) of raising their grandchildren.
“The reality of life today is we all work until we are 65+ and as a 47 year old grandma with all my grand children in the South Island versus us in the North Island we just have to strive to have quality time with them when we can. Often the distance and separation breaks my heart but they know who we are and as they get older I envisage they will visit on their own on the holidays”
_“I’m concerned at the number of grandparents who are expected to bring up their grandchildren and would like to see the reasons addressed.”
“Grandparents raising their grandchildren should be able to get free counselling for both themselves and their grandchildren, proper financial support to raise them and be recognised for the valuable role they do. … [P]rovided they do have parenting orders from the Family Court they should be entitled to free school fees. You have no idea just how hard this is when you are elderly and are raising damaged children.”
“It’s great being a grandparent, but can be very time consuming if you can’t set boundaries and ensure you have time out for yourself.”
“Being grand parents is the most fascinating and rewarding experience of our lives.”
“I feel a grandparent’s role is to be there to teach the little things that would otherwise fly past unnoticed.”
“I would really like to see an active attempt by whoever does it to get grandparents raising grandchildren equal rights to that of foster parents.”
It is evident that there is great diversity in grandparents’ experiences and that within many New Zealand families, grandparents play an important role in not only supporting grandchildren, but supporting adult children and other family members as well.
The Families Commission will share the ideas and suggestions put forward by Couch members with organisations working with older people as well as other family-focused agencies.
