Fathers, and the roles and responsibilities they have within the family, were this year’s focus for International Families Day. We wanted to find out about the support dads are getting to help them be the best father they can be. Is there adequate support and information within our communities or are there gaps that need filling?
Fathers, and the roles and responsibilities they have within the family, were this year’s focus for International Families Day. We wanted to find out about the support dads are getting to help them be the best father they can be. Is there adequate support and information within our communities or are there gaps that need filling?
Summary
Thanks to the 142 Couch members who completed this poll.
Many of the comments were positive and supported additional support for fathers. Lots of fathers attended parenting programmes (ante-natal, face-to-face discussion groups, internet discussion groups, and programmes offered at their places of employment) and found them useful.
A relatively large number of fathers found the additional parental support available within their communities was aimed specifically at mothers and quite often disregarded the position and importance of the fathering role; either through patronising facilitation or lack of content specific to fathers.
The additional sources of information for fathers were not always suitable, due to constraints such as time, inappropriate forums or sources of information. Many fathers said they would feel uncomfortable discussing their personal experiences and/or issues with strangers. Fathers mentioned that they tend to turn to their partners, family and friends for support and seldom seek additional support elsewhere.
Many fathers also felt constrained by attitudes (sometimes unhelpful) of society, partners, workmates, and other individuals.
This poll sought the views and experience of fathers, so most (78%) of the respondents were male. Most were living in an urban area (87%) and aged between 24 years and 73 years. Most (65%) identified as New Zealand European, 8% as Maori, 6% as multiple ethnicities, 1% as Asian and 20% as “other”.
The three most important types of support respondents wanted were (in order of importance): better attitudes towards fathers from society, better paternal leave provisions for fathers and more flexible work hours.
Q2: If you selected ‘I need no support as a father’, why is that?
Some respondents did not have any biological children or their children were older or had reached adult age. Many also indicated that they generally receive support from their families/partners and/or workplaces. Some fathers had no time to seek support in their fathering roles. One father indicated that he did not seek support as he was already aware and passionate about his fathering role. A couple of fathers reasoned that they did not need to seek any additional support as fathers because they were well-educated.
“I’m very lucky – I am intelligent, open-minded, physically healthy, and comfortably well-off with an intelligent, open-minded, physically healthy, and comfortably well-off partner – and only two children to parent so they get time and attention.”
The five most common avenues respondents turned to for support in their fathering role were (in order of importance): their partners, friends, written material, religious/spiritual advisors and other relatives.
The majority of respondents felt the support they received from their respective sources was ‘effective’ or ‘very effective’.
More respondents were open to attending a parenting programme if it was offered in their workplace than those who were ‘unlikely’ or ‘very unlikely’ to attend.
Question 6: If you selected unlikely, why is this?
The majority of respondents to this question thought the workplace was an inappropriate environment to conduct a parenting programme.
“I would rather not link parenting in with my workplace.”
“The workplace is not the appropriate place for this programme.”
Many also did not feel the need to attend a parenting programme. Several respondents felt that agendas for parenting programmes were biased and untrustworthy as they generally had political agendas.
“Such programmes are invariably so bound up with political correctness they are unable to address issues effectively or thoroughly.”
“They have shown in the past to promote their own political agendas.”
Other reasons for not being interested in a parenting programme within the workplace included: older or adult children; self-employment or retirement – so no access to workplace parenting programme; time constraints and an indication that some fathers already seek support from outside of their workplace.
One in five respondents would be likely to attend a parenting programme other than in the workplace, but a large group of respondents would also be unlikely to attend one. Respondents seem to have quite strong views on this particular question with an almost equal number of responses indicating that it would either be ‘very likely’ or ‘very unlikely’ for them to attend a parenting programme other than in their workplace.
Question 8: If you selected unlikely, why is this?
Less than a third of respondents to this question feel there is no need for them to attend a parenting programme. Reasons mentioned were time, the feeling that parenting programmes were not helpful or that they do not like to attend programmes in principle.
“This is not the sort of support that works for me.”
“I don’t like the programmes.”
One in ten fathers who answered this question would be unlikely to attend parenting programmes, as their children are older and they would not benefit from attending such a programme.
“My kids are older. I would highly recommend this to dads of younger children or yet-to-be dads.”
The majority of respondents would have been very likely to attend a pre-birth parenting programme if it had been available to them; and a large number of respondents had in fact attended a pre-birth parenting programme.
Question 10: If you attended a pre-birth parenting programme did this programme meet your needs? Please explain how it did, or did not, meet them.
For those fathers who had attended a pre-birthing programme, almost three quarters said the content of these types of programmes was mostly focused on the biological aspects and practicalities of being a new parent. According to them it was useful, but could not really be considered a “parenting” programme as such.
“We went to the antenatal class at our local hospital but it focused mostly on the biological aspects of childbirth and care of a new infant. There was a little bit about relationships, about dealing with emotional issues (especially when short on sleep) but not much particularly targeted at helping Dads deal with things.”
“Focus was on the woman giving birth, changing nappies, nothing else.”
“Ante-natal class before the birth of my second child helped me prepare for the birth rather than for parenting afterwards.”
“Focused entirely on birth process whereas it should have included more general parenting skills.”
First-time fathers still found this aspect useful and stated that it was good preparation and very informative to have this type of programme.
“Yes it did meet my needs. It provided an introduction to something I had no previous experience with!!”
“I found it gave me a good grounding at the time.”
“The information and support was great, it helped me to be better prepared for being a parent.”
“I attended Prep for Parenting (part of Growing Kids God’s Way curriculum) and found it really useful. It gave solid principles as well as practical application of these.”
More than half of the fathers who attended a pre-birthing programme felt excluded from the programme as it was mostly focused on the mothers and the birthing process. Some fathers felt that they were in the way and could not be part of the experience as a result of the content and the way in which the programmes were facilitated.
“No… was good, but not long enough or enough info and also needed to have a group for fathers ONLY!!”
“It didn’t really come from the FATHER’S point of view and was a bit of a letdown.”
“Aimed at mothers and little for fathers.”
“It was only an antenatal class which practically ignored the father.”
“Didn’t coz it was all about the mums – made me feel angry and helpless.”
“It gave some idea what the woman was about to face but did not give any indication that there was anything the father needed.”
“No. The facilitators had no idea of my needs.”
“Even though it was intended that I was to be the main caregiver for the new baby all the professionals spoke to my wife.”
Several other comments were made about the content and/or lack of useful information. Other comments were that the pre-birthing programme they had attended was not helpful (from the father’s perspective) and that they did not offer any information post-infancy. Other fathers commented on the social interactions they established with other fathers who also attended pre-birthing programmes. A couple of fathers stated that no programme could prepare one fully for the reality of being a parent.
The majority of respondents would have been ‘likely’ or ‘very likely’ to have attended a post-birth programme if one had been available.
Question 12: If you attended a post-birth parenting programme did this programme meet your needs? Please explain how it did, or did not, meet them.
More than a quarter of respondents found the post-birthing programme they attended helpful and insightful.
“It was great – really helpful.”
“Really helped with the reality of parenting.”
In contrast, almost a third did not find their post-birthing parenting programme helpful or did not have a programme available to them.
Some fathers stated that the post-birthing programme they attended was solely directed at mothers, and did not prioritise their role as fathers.
“No… very mother focused, not at all informative about my role as a father.”
Places father received post-birthing support from included: support from other fathers (including family and friends), Playcentre, Ora Toa Clinic, Plunket and Parents as First Teachers (PAFT).
When deciding whether to attend a parenting programme the three most important considerations (in order of importance) were that: it had a good reputation or recommendation by someone; it was cheap or free; partners were able to attend the programme as well.
It was fairly evenly divided as to whether respondents would join a face-to-face discussion group if they knew of one.
Question 15: If you selected unlikely, why is this?
Many fathers who said they would be unlikely to participate in a face-to-face discussion group thought it would be too uncomfortable or embarrassing to discuss parenting issues with strangers, or did not find it an appropriate method of fathering support.
“It’s not a bloke thing to do!”
“I don’t like discussing personal issues with a group of guys, I would rather do it with someone I know and trust.”
“Not sure I’d feel comfortable.”
“Too shy!”
“I am uncomfortable in social situations meeting new people. Unless I was introduced by someone I knew I would be reluctant to attend.”
Several respondents already receive their fathering support from elsewhere, or said that it is not a priority for them to seek support (as their children are adults, or they feel they have plentiful support as is).
“My wife and I value raising our child together. We much prefer addressing the issues affecting our child, and finding solutions, together. While I consider that there is a place for men supporting other men in some issues, fatherhood is not one of them. “
“I gain support from other sources.”
“I’m not sure I would now attend one – I may have done so when my son was younger. I now know more hands-on fathers socially so I have peers to chat with.”
Some would be unlikely to attend a face-to-face fathers’ discussion group, due to their lack of time. This might include the fact that some fathers live rurally and it would take them a lot of time to travel to and from these discussion groups.
“Because we live in a remote area it would involve a lot of travelling. There would not be very many other fathers nearby, if any.”
“I would really not have the time available to commit to such a group.”
A few felt that a fathers’ support group would simply be a “talkfest” and that nothing would be achieved by it and that this method of support might be dominated by certain personality types.
“Not sure how effective it would be.”
“Talkfest.”
“Have found over many years of involvement in charities and support groups that they are largely talkfests and achieve nothing.”
“We are part of a social situation consisting mostly of parents, where parenting is discussed and successful solutions are celebrated. My main concern for fathers in particular is that in our society, they draw a very short straw, in law, in social esteem, and in institutional support, compared with mothers. I believe fathers’ discussion groups would prove to be largely ineffective forums in bringing powerful change to bear on that situation.”
Only one of the respondents specified that he had previously attended a face-to-face fathers’ discussion group.
“I was part of a men’s group for 13 years and often shared parenting issues.”
Nearly half the respondents would be ‘unlikely’ or ‘very unlikely’ to join a father’s internet discussion group if they knew of one.
Question 17: If you selected unlikely, why is this?
The majority of respondents who selected ‘unlikely’ would prefer alternative methods of support.
“Prefer face-to-face, and besides do we really know who we are talking to on the internet?”
“I would want to meet the other members.”
“Not that into “blogging” would rather face-to-face in real world.”
“Not my thing – I’d rather talk to my partner and friends than strangers.”
Some said that they would not participate in an internet discussion group for fathers, as it can be too time consuming.
“Such things don’t achieve much other than taking up too much time and being a mechanism for complaining.”
“Too time consuming. There’s too much work to do to survive and feed the family.”
“Not my thing wasting time on the computer.”
“Too much effort. The internet has its uses, but typing endlessly back and forwards takes time that could otherwise be spent with the kids!”
Another popular answer was that there is a sense of the impersonal and a measure of discomfort when dealing with strangers on the internet. Some people said they dislike using the internet, especially since they have to use the internet at work all the time.
“Not willing to open up on the internet to unknown people.”
Once again a few fathers indicated that their need for additional fathering support is unnecessary at this point in time as it might not be needed or it is not a priority.
“I don’t require this as my children are grown and I have support from my men’s group.”
“I don’t feel I need any other support at this stage.”
“Past worst of bringing up kids and have had enough. Just want to enjoy being surrounded by adult issues again.”
Internet access issues and computer literacy may also deter fathers from participating in an internet discussion group aimed at fathers.
“Not good with computers.”
“I don’t know how to use the internet.”
“Work a variety of shifts and don’t always access the computer.”
Some fathers also raised concerns about possible security issues that may be breached when dealing with the internet.
“Do we really know who we are talking to on the internet?”
“Could be opening up to anyone, security issues.”
Other issues included the effects the internet group dynamics might have on the topic at hand, and the unwillingness some fathers might have to share personal family experiences.
“Internet forums are often dominated by certain personality types, and if not moderated they can become impersonal or irrelevant.”
“I guess it would depend on the group dynamics and the content discussed.”
“You don’t have the ability to give opinions or feedback or get to listen, it would be dominated by proficient and obnoxious know-it-alls that write a thousand words a minute and have the ability to dominate the topic – it would not be moderated in a way that is fair to all.”
One father had previously participated in an internet discussion group for fathers and had not found it useful.
“Joined one for separated fathers but it kept getting bogged down with people getting stuck on single unrelated issues.”
The vast majority of respondents would be likely to read parenting information for fathers on the internet.
Question 19: If you selected unlikely, why is this?
The main reason fathers said they would be unlikely to use the internet for information on fathering was their concern that the correct information might be inaccessible or that the information presented might be untrustworthy.
“Few are useful.”
“I’m not comfortable with sourcing information from the internet.”
“My experience of reading parenting information for fathers on the internet is often unsatisfactory; I frequently spend more time searching for the information I want than actually reading it. The information is also often overly simplistic and seldom supported by research or references to more detailed information.”
Many also disliked using the internet and/or reading and sifting through vast quantities of information.
“I do read some, but you have to wade through a lot of tripe to get to any real wisdom.”
“I hate reading heaps of words and can’t use the internet anyway.”
“Probably a generational thing, plus I prefer talking to gain information to reading.”
Another fifteen percent of respondents mentioned the excessive amount of time it would take to find useful information.
“Don’t get time for internet.”
“I don’t make the time for sitting down and veging in front of a computer. Not very interactive.”
“Time, lack of relevance to our specific situation.”
Several fathers preferred other sources or avenues for additional information and support with their fathering roles.
“Prefer to read such material hard copy.”
Other reasons are below:
“I believe we have too much information to process already: we simply need to get some basics right – unfortunately these are usually the subject of most debate as they pertain to fundamental values that lie deeper than mere fatherhood. The interactive nature of my relationships with friends provides a much more direct and contextually appropriate source of information and support as a father.”
“My partner does all the parenting stuff so I don’t need to.”
“No children at home.”
“23 years of parenting has provided all the information I need.”
The majority of respondents would be likely or very likely to read written parenting information for fathers.
Question 21: If you selected unlikely, why is this?
The most common reason given by the respondents who said they would be unlikely to read written parenting information for fathers was that written information on fathering would probably lack relevance to their particular situation in their respective households.
“Lack of relevance.”
“The advice doesn’t apply to me.”
Almost a quarter of respondents dislike reading in general or find reading challenging.
“Not a good reader.”
“Don’t read normally.”
“Don’t like reading.”
Some fathers indicated that seeking additional information on fathering (irrespective of the source in which this information is presented) was not applicable or needed in their specific situations within their households.
“No children at home.”
A couple of fathers indicated that this particular source of information does not appeal to them as they find it boring. They would prefer something more interactive and “hands-on”.
“The brochures are boring”.
Other reasons for not reading written information on fathering included practicalities, such as not knowing where to find this resource and time constraints.
The ages of the respondents’ children were spread evenly between the different age groups. The majority of respondents had children in the 10-14 year old age group, followed by those with children in the 15-19 year old age group.
Question 23: Are there other comments you would like to make about your fathering support needs?
The quotes below represent the general comments of respondents:
“No – just that it’s really great to see the interest in dads’ needs, and meeting these in a manner that involves them in the conversation. Well done, and thanks.”
“I work with men in groups and there is a huge need for specific father role/information/discussion groups in my opinion. Whatever services there may be are snowed under by strong, unhelpful societal constructions around male parenting.”
“Increasing paternity pay and leave is the best thing that could be done to support new fathers.”
“Good fathering is pivotal to positive families and society. Lack of fathering is THE primary course of ongoing societal problems today.”
Conclusion
Although the majority of respondents turned to their partner or friends and family for parenting support, many were open to attending parenting programmes, or seeking additional support – and many had done so.
Respondents mentioned that they would like better attitudes toward fathers from society, better paternal leave provisions for fathers and more flexible work hours. These are all issues that the Families Commission is currently addressing through its advocacy on valuing parenting, including calling for one month’s paid paternity leave and parental leave extended to one year that can be shared between parents. The Commission has also completed research on work-life balance.
This poll has helped to identify some of the barriers to other fathers seeking support and their preferred ways of receiving information. It also looked at some of the issues fathers have experienced with support they had previously received. For example, many fathers wanted programmes that were relevant to their needs and issues. They were generally open to reading about parenting either in books and publications or online, but internet discussion groups were not popular.
The poll results will be shared with groups that work with fathers. The Commission is also about to embark on a project further exploring the role of fathers, the way that this role has changed, and the support needs of fathers. The project is likely to involve a large sample survey. The information from this Couch Poll has provided valuable insights, which will be expanded upon through this project and will provide an evidential basis for advocating for the interests of fathers.
Thanks again to the Couch members who participated in this poll.
