In the Parenting Teenagers poll we wanted to know how comfortable you are talking with the teenagers (we defined teenagers as young people aged 13 to 19 years of age) in your family about some of those more difficult topics like drugs, smoking, and alcohol. But as well as wanting to know how you relate to young people we also asked how important you felt it was for teenagers learn about healthy and positive relationships. The Families Commission will be looking at young people and their relationships in an upcoming project, part of which will look as this poll did at the quality and quantity of information available to parents and young people.
Thanks to the 272 Couch members who completed the poll. The majority of Couch members were parents of teenagers but we also received replies from grandparents, aunts, uncles and even teachers. Most of you didn’t have a problem with talking about those difficult topics with a pretty even spread across the selection we gave you. Schooling came out top closely followed alcohol and driving.
All but one person thought positive and healthy relationships are important to a teenager’s preparation for adult life. However 70% thought more information was needed to help teenagers develop the skills needed to create healthy, positive relationships.
Almost four out of five people who answered the poll were the parents to a teenager. The remaining were a mixture of grandparents, uncles/aunts, or step-parents, siblings, a youth leader, a teacher and one had a teenage boarder in the family.
Almost every respondent had discussed school work or tertiary study with teenagers. Second in line was alcohol with 87% with driving, setting boundaries/limits, smoking, and drugs all very close behind.
75% of respondents said that the above discussions were brought on mutually, and about one in five said it was brought on by them selves.
Almost everyone responded to this question. Almost three quarters of respondents said they had not avoided talking about any of the above topics with teenagers.
Nearly one third of those who answered this question avoided talking about a particular topic because the teenager would not listen.
The four most common places where respondents had looked for information to help them relate to teenagers were in books, leaflets or magazines, through friends, the internet, and the family – in that order.
Of these, almost 40% thought the most useful information sources of information were friends and books, leaflets and magazines. A further 17% found that talking to family or whānau provided them with the most useful information.
Q8: Were there any topics where more information or easier access to this information would have been helpful? If so, which topic(s) do you think need(s) to be covered?
A quarter of respondents reported that they would have liked more information or easier access to information that dealt with teenage relationships (both amongst their peers and teenage-parent relationships) and information that dealt with instilling self-confidence among teens. A further 6.4% of members stated that it was not additional, or ease to, information that was needed; instead, information that was written in a ‘teen’s language’ so that they could speak to them at their level would have been preferred.
Almost all respondents agreed that positive and healthy relationships are important aspects of teenagers’ life.
Of the 260 people who responded to this question less than one in ten said that their teenager was non-receptive to learning about building positive and healthy relationships.
The vast majority of respondents thought parents have the main responsibility to teach teenagers about relationship and communication skills.
271 people responded to this question. Just over half of these people thought that the main life skill teenagers need to develop positive and healthy relationships is communication. This was followed by problem solving and decision making skills which was mentioned by one fourth of respondents.
Most people thought that one should start discussing relationships with teenagers earlier rather than later with the majority reporting that this should happen before the age of 10, and almost everyone thought this should happen at least before the age of 14.
Two thirds of respondents thought the development of healthy relationships should be achieved through a combination of instruction and trial and error.
70% of respondents to this question believed that there was a lack of support and education available for the development of relationship skills for teenagers.
Q16: What aspects of your relationships with teenagers do you enjoy?
There were some great comments about what is good about people’s relationships with teenagers. These are just some:
“They are now at an age when you can have a good conversation with them. They are becoming more adult and more like a friend. But they still need training and guidance.”
”Seeing then step cautiously into the adult world but then step back into the safety of childhood and ask for your help. The self-confidence and belief that they can do anything they put their minds to. And the times when you have a really good conversation as ‘equals.”
“They make you think about the world in a different way.”
“They are looking at the world with fresh eyes, question what they see and hear and challenge us regarding our own beliefs and values. They become individuals in their own right, have great conversations and are often very wise.”
“Watching them learn and become independent and responsible.”
“Their humour and energy. Their ideals and spontaneous expression.”
”Their enthusiasm and determination.”
“Time together doing activities we both enjoy. Listening to music, watching movies, cooking together, shopping etc.”
Q17: What aspects of your relationships with teenagers do you find challenging?
Even when asked about the challenging aspects of dealing with teenagers most of the comments were about finding balance – balance between looking after them and letting go, balance between what they want to do and the boundaries being set and balance between who they were as children and who they are becoming as adults.
“Determination to make their own mistakes. Irresponsible behaviours and letting people down because they don’t see some things as important while you do.”
”The working out when to let go and when to establish a boundary as she starts to distance herself a little, wanting independence but not always being able to know how to handle it. The mood swings, what is an emotional overkill and what is really real to her. Allowing her to express herself but making sure she maintains respect for others, particularly her parents, at the same time! Finally, how to shift from the ‘instructor’ role as a parent … to more of a get along side ‘coach’ role … so that she feels decisions she makes are hers.”
“Learning that they are growing up and to start treating then less as a child and more as an adult whilst striking a good balance of both.”
”Allowing her to exercise her growing independence while managing my own anxieties about how safe she will be.”
”Alcohol – there’s too much expectation from them that they should be allowed to drink. It causes the biggest problem sin our house.”
“When they ask for money and sometimes I have to say no. When they pick a fight over something trivial because they are seeking boundaries. I have to remember not to take it personally. After they have sulked for a while they come back all happy as though grumpy words have never been spoken. When they complain about how unfair, strict etc I am I tell them to come back and talk to me about it when they have teenagers of their own.”
“Their lack of self-awareness and self-confidence. Very influenced by external pressures, images, peers, media about what is cool/expected.”
“When they think they know it all.”
”Adapting to their ‘bullet proof’ mentality.”
Conclusion
Even though the teenage years can be a difficult time for parents the majority of Couch members felt that watching their teenagers grow and become adults who were making their own decisions was a rewarding period in their life. Particularly, as teenagers are beginning to learn about, and build, positive and healthy relationships during this period, members found the development of communication skills to be one of the most enjoyable aspects of their relationship with teenagers. Members have enjoyed talking to teenagers, hearing their views on things and being able to have more adult-like conversations with them.
With a more communicative relationship came the opportunity to talk about the important things in a teen’s life. Most members had discussed issues around study, alcohol and driving and although these were more often than not brought up mutually, there were still topics that members said they had avoided, for example, sex. Members said they had avoided these topics typically because the teen was non-receptive for some reason or another or because they themselves felt self-conscious. In some cases, members felt that they did not have enough information to be able to adequately discuss certain topics with teens. In such situations members found that information that they had obtained on the internet or from parenting classes or school teachers helped, but the most useful sources that they had found came from friends, family, and books.
However, this growing independence was also stated by members to be a time for concern. Members were worried teenagers were engaging in risk-taking behaviour, though to be linked to a self-centred mentality or an invincible and disrespectful attitude to life and others.
