The Poll for Fathers was launched on Father’s Day 2007 and aimed to find out more about how fathers felt, how they saw their role and how they fitted into the family. Although there is an abundance of information surrounding families there is very little relating to fathers and their role as it is today. This poll was directed at fathers and male caregivers and asked about their experiences as a dad.
Thanks to the 328 fathers who answered our poll. It may be tough at times but the general consensus from Couch fathers was that it’s a great job being a father. In fact most fathers were pretty comfortable with their role within the family. Some problems arose where families were not living together and access was an issue. There were also some problems simply trying to fit everything in to the day. Putting family first was not always possible, but more than half of those who responded were happy with the amount of time they spent with their family. Some fathers found it hard to balance the role of being the responsible parent with wanting to be a friend to their children and some worried that mistakes made now would deeply affect their children later on.
All but a few celebrated Father’s Day with their family in some way. One father was taken on a surprise outing and another father made his wife breakfast in bed.
Over half the fathers who responded said their own father/step father was a role model for their fathering. One in five did not have a role model for their fathering. One father said; “I don’t think of a particular role model, but am aware my standards and principles are largely those inherited from my parents”.
The majority knew very little about parenting when they first became a father, with one in five saying they knew nothing at all.
Three out of four fathers believed they had enough information and support to be the best they could be.
One in three reported that the most important aspect of their role as a father at the moment was as a carer or nurturer.
While the majority were happy with the amount of time they spent with their children, there are a few (12 of those who answered the poll) who are very unsatisfied with the amount of time they spent with their children.
Q7: What’s the hardest thing about being a father?
Balancing work and family life was the hardest thing about being a father and was mentioned by one in four fathers. The majority of fathers wanted to spend more time with their children but many also wanted to spend more time with their partner and/or on their own.
“I do all the cooking and most of the house chores. Before the baby this was fine, but now I find it hard to get all these things done because I want to spend as much time with our little girl as possible. I guess you’d say it’s balancing quality time with the baby and managing the household.” Father from Wellington city with child/ren aged one to five years
Some dads also struggled to parent their children. Nearly one in four fathers found it difficult to discipline their children in a consistent and fair manner, and to communicate with their children. This was particularly the case for fathers of teenagers.
“Being consistent with the rules and examples of good/correct behaviour.” Father from Auckland city with children aged 0 to 11 months and one to five years
“Keeping good communication with kids. Understanding their needs. Trying to discipline them and keep them acting responsibly.” Father from rural Hastings district with children aged 11 to 15 years and 16 to 20 years
Other issues fathers found difficult were:
Being separated and having problems with the child’s mother, the Family Court and/or Inland Revenue
“Having shared custody arrangements with my ex-partner. While this is a shared and amicable relationship, I really miss my son on the days he is not here and wonder what he is doing and hope he is happy. I call him every other evening though, if he is not here.” Father from Auckland city with child/ren aged 11 to 15 years
Being a good role model
“Awareness that as a role model, everything I do will be watched and learnt – and that I can’t possibly be perfect all the time!” Father from Wellington city with child/ren aged between one and five years
Putting the children’s or family’s needs first and own needs second
“Sacrificing the many things that I would like to be doing.” Father from Lower Hutt city with child/ren aged one to five years
“Putting aside my own desires for the sake of my wife and children.” Father from Franklin district with children aged one to five years, six to ten years, 11 to 15 years and 16 to 20 years
Feeling undervalued or unrecognised by society
“Probably getting people to realise that a father’s role is just as important as a mother, just different.” Father from Wellington city with child/ren aged 0 to 11 months
“Everything is aimed at mums not much support for dads.” Father from Lower Hutt city with child/ren aged one to five years
“…It’s always assumed that mothers are the main carer and I’ve tried to differ from that – has been hard to do given the supports are all there for mums but little for dads, anti-natal and parent publications all assume dads are fairly hopeless and good for earning money, quite frustrating!” Father from Lower Hutt city with child/ren aged one to five years
Wanting to shield children from negative influences
“Having to continually re-iterate what’s important to us as a family whilst my son is bombarded with conflicting information from the media and his peers.” Father from North Shore city with child/ren aged six to ten years
Having the sole responsibility of bringing in an income
“The responsibility of providing for the family. That once [you become] a father there is an ongoing responsibility of care.” Father from Tauranga district with children aged six to ten years and 11 to 15 years
”Making the time to give my children individual quality time. Meeting the competing expectations of my partner to help around the house, but also earn the income, and find time to play with [our] children.” Father from Auckland city with children aged 0 to 11 months, one to five years, six to ten years, and 11 to 15 years
”Balancing the felt ‘need to provide’ with the real need to spend time with my children.” Father from Manukau city with child/ren aged one to five years
Children growing up and leaving home
“Letting my children make their own mistakes.” Father from Invercargill city with child/ren aged over 21 years
“In the past, finding enough time as well as doing everything else. Now, watching grown up children making decisions that I don’t always think are in their best long term interests.” Father from Waitakere city with children aged 16 to 20 years and over 21 years
But, there were a few fathers who didn’t find anything hard about being a father.
“Nothing is hard really.” Father from Wellington city with children aged 0 to 11 months and 11 to 15 years
Q8: What’s the best thing about being a father?
Fathers had a number of things they enjoyed best about being a dad. In fact, many fathers liked everything there was about being a dad and the vast majority said that they found it rewarding to see their children develop as well as spending time with them and feeling loved by them. There was a general sense of being a friend with their children, the benefit of helping them along in life, and the smiles on their children’s faces as they walked in the door after work.
Here are a few of the several hundred responses from our dads on The Couch:
“Watching him grow, watching him play sports, generally having fun with him. Having a mate to do guy stuff.” Father from Lower Hutt city with child/ren aged six to ten years
“Everything!! It is extremely rewarding to see them grow and learn. They make me proud every day.” Father from Christchurch city with child/ren aged one to five years
“Seeing my children’s smiles when I come home from work and they are as happy to see me as I am [them].” Father from Auckland city with children aged 0 to 11 months and one to five years
“The hugs and ‘I love you’ you get unprompted make it all worthwhile.” Father from rural Hurunui district with child/ren aged one to five years
“Spending time with my boy hunting and fishing, teaching him the old ways, whakapapa, our history and the best part is he is always asking me why? how? when? etc.” Father from rural Opotiki district with children aged 11 to 15 years, 16 to 20 years and over 21 years
“Teaching and passing on knowledge I learnt by myself or through my own father, to my son.” Father from Waikato district with child/ren aged six to ten years
Watching “want to do it myself” turn into “can do it myself” turn into “I can do it better than you”. Father from rural Kaipara district with children aged six to ten years and 11 to 15 years
“Seeing your children mature into capable, decent people who are your friends.” Father from rural Marlborough district with children aged 16 to 20 years and over 21 years
Conclusion
The Poll for Fathers opened on Father’s Day 2007 and aimed to uncover the experiences of Kiwi men as fathers.
It was great to hear that most men really enjoyed being a dad and gained a great sense of satisfaction and belonging from their role in the family. Most admitted that at times it could be challenging, but was ultimately rewarding. Some of the best responses came through when we asked: “What was the best thing about being a dad?”. There was a strong feeling of pride in the achievements of their children as they watched them develop.
Fathers are however finding it increasingly hard to balance the demands of work and their family despite wanting to spend more time with their children, wife or partner.
And considering the timing of the poll, it was interesting to find out that most New Zealand families do celebrate Father’s Day in some way, whether it’s a phone call or a meal together.
The results of this poll will feed into our parenting and Even Up projects and will also be shared with other agencies and organisations with an interest in parenting.
